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ktjrdn at yahoo dot com

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Friday, 11 May 2007
Something that has been bothering me

I have a friend. I've spoken about him before in a roundabout way. We've been friends forever. At least since mid-high school. We had a weird sort of relationship where we never really talked about us having a relationship and so we just kind of pretended it didn't exist. And sometimes it didn't. Sometimes, we were just friends. Sometimes we were more than firends. We used to be "drinking buddies" that's about as close as we ever got to defining our relationship. We hung out. When I moved to Norfolk, Virginia we talked on the phone occasionally. It was one of those friendships that sometimes fades into the background, but the next time you talk, you just pick right back up where you left off.

When Rob and I broke up and moved back to Illinois, Todd and I resumed our non-relationship for a while. Then my landlord got weird and I rented Todd's spare room for a while. I don't really remember what happened, but the relationship went back into off mode. Nothing bad, just a cycle like usual. I got my job with the state and moved closer to work. Todd and I stayed friendly. And sometimes more than that. That's the way we were.

I've known for a very long time that I wanted to spend my life with Rob. There were times that it didn't look like it was going to work out. Todd was there. He was always a great friend to me. We never really talked about it, but I loved him. I think he felt the same. But, of course, I don't know it, because he never talked about things like that. He NEVER talked about his feelings. I had thought about what life would be like with him and if things had gone that way, I would've have a good life. But I wanted to be with Rob. So when that happened I was overjoyed. Todd acted as if he was fine with it. he joked and laughed with us when we saw each other and was even a groomsman. For the first year or so, we'd run into each other and things were fine. After having Ally, I didn't go to as many places where we'd see each other. He quit calling and wasn't very talkative when I called him - which wasn't very often either. I was busy. I'm horrible at staying in touch with people.

But about a year ago(or maybe even two), my mom sent me an email. It had been forwarded to her from her pastor at her church. Some girl that used to work in the nursery or something had sent it to him annoucing her engagement - to Todd. I had to hear about one of (what I considered) my best friend's weddings from my mother. I knew he had been dating someone and it was pretty serious, so I wasn't all that shocked about the engagement. Good for him. I hope he's happy. Truly. But to not even share the news? It hurt. a lot. So I called hima nd we talked for a while. He had said he'd been meaning to call, but hadn't gotten around to it blah blah blah. The usual. It was a short conversation. And I haven't heard from him since. Nothing.

We share a friend. I mentioned something about the wedding and not even being invited to it one time to him. He didn't want to talk about it. I got the impression that whether or not I got invited was a source of contention between Todd and his wife or something. Why would it be? By this time I had 2 kids and had been married for 4 years. Why would anyone be like that?  But, mostly, I put that thought away, because I have never met her and have no business trying to figure out what she would or wouldn't do or why. I'm not even sure whehter there was an argument over it. I just have a vague impression of it from my conversation with our mutual friend.

The thing that really bothers me is Todd. I thought we were friends. I was obviously wrong. If Rob tried to stop me from inviting one of my friends to our wedding, um, well, it wouldn't happen. I wouldn't marry someone like that. Rob respects me and trusts me and wouldn't have a problem with it. So even if it was an "issue" (Erin, you've made me self-conscious about using quotes now LOL) my friends would get invited to my wedding. That's not something that I would consider a compromise on. So the only conclusion I can draw from this is that he must not have valued our friendship as much as I did. That hurts. Still.

I don't really know why I'm writing this, except that I still think about it ocasionally. He hasn't called and I have no intention of calling him. The fact is that our lives don't really intersect all that much anymore. Even if this hadn't happened, it might have turned out that way. But with this between us, I don't see us being friends anymore. If we ever do run into each other, it'll be awkward and our conversation will be stilted, I'm sure. That thought makes me sad.  Am I over-reacting? Is this just something that happens to people as they get older?

Posted by ktjrdn at 10:42 CDT
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