childhood
I got an email from my mom in response to some of the things I've written here, and I wanted to clarify some things and share some of it. I think it was prompted by this post

Mom says:
"Your room was so full of toys it was hard to keep clean. We had floor to ceiling shelves full of toys and games and the lower shelves were all full of Playschool, Fisher Price, etc. You had a full kitchen and every accessory. I'm sorry you don't remember. I was so excited every time you opened a present. I tried to resist the temptation, knowing that it wasn't important for you to have everything and that you should have better character if I didn't buy you everything...but you loved surprises. Maybe you don't remember everything because I didn't go over and over and didn't take lots and lots of pictures. But, then again, I can't remember much about childhood either...just the highlights."

In my post, I wasn't really talking about my younger childhood. I don't really remember much about living with Mom and Dad together: they got divorced when I was 5. I have a few vague recollections of the house we lived in - It was wonderful. I have no idea of this was true, but I loved it.

The stairs led up to our huge toy room (I say huge, but am probably entirely wrong. I also thought the hill behind the house was huge until I drove past it when I was older. It was barely even a hill). We didn't even have to keep it as clean as our bedroom, because we could close the door and no one would have to see it! You don't know how exciting that part was?! Mom made us clean our rooms all the time (when we were older. I assume it's true when we were younger too?) I remember playing up there constantly. And there was a bookshelf at the top of the stairs that had some really goofy contact paper on it. Maybe batman or superman or something? I think it was blue.

Anyway... I remember Christy (my sister) standing on the bed with her friend singing Maneater. I remember my dad spanking my brother. I remember rolling down the hill in the back with our neighbors. I remember that the older neighbors next door were just like grandparents. I remember the police car that brought my brother home after someone backed into him while he was riding his bike on the sidewalk (He was okay, but his bike wasn't) I remember a couple other little things, (some of them might not be true though. My memory does funny things to me. Sometimes I remember things that didn't happen) but mostly I was trying to say that I don't remember the toys I had in the memories that I do have. I have an overall impression of being content.

As I grew up, little things started to stay with me. I remember more toys I did have and things that I wanted, but didn't get. But really I think that's just because I was older. I don't think it was because I was denied anything (that I needed). I always knew that my mom was there. I had a lot of really bad things happen, and I don't think I would have had the strength to be who I am without her influence. My sister blames her for some of those bad things but she is just human like the rest of us. People make mistakes. She drives me crazy most of the time, and I try not to write about it too much, because all moms drive their children crazy sometimes and I don't want to hurt her feelings. I love her. I'm trying to think of the words to express my thoughts here, but all I can think is "She's my Mom" And I guess that says it all.

So anyway, Mom, I don't blame you for the crap, but I thank you for the good stuff. And since we waited til the middle of June for our Mother's Day Tea, I guess this is my Mother's Day post.

Rob's job
I logged on tonight to tell you all about Rob's new job. He found out last week that he got hired. He starts July 3rd (and gets a paid holiday the next day. I love working there!) He'll work at the same building as me, but with different hours to start. He'll be home by 5 every night and every weekend will be ours. Yay! I'm so thrilled, I almost shit myself. Then I forgot to post about it. Oh well.

but then i read my email, and saw something from my mom that almost made me cry, so I want to talk about that instead.

too much sweetness
Okay, have you all got your toothbrushes ready? I wouldn't want to give you a cavity

(The babies are Nykole (my grand-niece), Alyse (my niece), and Anya (my baby - duh). The wonderful lady holding them all is my step-mother Leann)

Clothes issues
Hey, everybody, I went shopping. Yay! Now, I can fit my enormous (for me) boobs into shirts again. Whoo-hoo. I also bought me a couple fancy new slacks, and some shorts. I'm determined to dress nicer this summer. It makes me feel better about myself, and it's been a long time since I've felt good about myself for many reasons. Strangely, now I do. I am going through some serious mental issues, but am feeling better about myself. Very weird.

Anyway... I bought this one pair of shorts which I just love, but they are now really bothering me. The problem? I think they button backwards. Everytime I go to the bathroom, I try to un-button them from the wrong side. The button is on the left (wait, L is for left (and loser) yeah, left) and the hole is on the right. It wouldn't really bother me, but since I go to the bathroom umpteen million times a day, what with drinking enough water for a cow so I can make milk (Um, kinda like a cow also), I notice it all day long and it has started to really bother me.

Now, I could just go look at my other pants and stuff, and see if they are any different, but I'm too lazy then I wouldn't believe the results, because maybe all my pants are backwards. Maybe I just buy clothes that are odd, and everyone sees it and is laughing at me behind my back - no, that's just too weird to say out loud or write as the case may be... uh... I don't want too.

So how about it? What side of your pants has the button?

Posted by ktjrdn at 22:04 CDT

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refrigerator
Check out our sleek shiny new frige. Now Rob wants to redo the whole kitchen to match. Silly man.

super-mega spoiled
Is it just me? I've noticed an odd thing about being a mother. I tend to over-exaggerate Ally's enthusiasm. I tend to get caught up in the excitement that comes with planning a surprise for her or buying her toys that I think she'll like. It's really hard to remember that she has enough. I don't really remember my childhood much. The overall impression I'm left with is that I didn't get the latest greatest toys, but I didn't suffer either. So why is it that everytime I see something Dora, I want to buy it for Ally? Or how, if she shows the slightest interest in something, I rush out to buy her 5 more things just like it? Or how she has more clothes in her closet than I do (which is saying a lot!)? I know she'll be just as happy with the toys she already owns. I currently have at least 3 toys still in the packages, that I haven't given her yet and she doesn't have the slightest idea or care.

But I LOVE to see her face light up like it does when she gets a present. Birthday and Christmas were beyond anything I could have imagined this year. I hardly remember anything I got, but I remember Ally's huge mound of presents, and her absolute joy in opening them. Of course, she instantly forgot about half of them, but it's the first moment that sticks with me. That moment when she is absolutely thrilled that we got her a new toy.

That moment eclipses anything else. So when I say that she absoluetly loved something - like the fair this weekend - mostly, I thikn I'm adding my excitement to hers. I absolutely loved seeing her enjoy the rides. I absolutely loved seeing her sit on the curb with her little day care friend and wait their turn for the motorcycles. I absolutely love her.

That said - I also absolutely spoil her. I offer this as evidence. The super-mega sandbox. It only took 1250 pounds of sand.

catch-up free-for-all
No time for an actual coherent post (like any of them are), so here's a list of random happenings

1. Ally is learning to poop in the potty sometimes. Yuck.

2. Rob is driving me crazy. On the days that he's home, he wants me to help him do stuff, because he has the day off. I can't make him see that I am home to take care of the baby, and that's it. So, I keep getting roped in to projects.

3. Rob hasn't been home much though. He's working lots of extra shifts just in case he gets the new job. He won't get paid for a month after he starts, so we're trying to stock up money for that time.

4. We did find a suitable day care should we need one before Ally's day care becomes available. Yay.

5. The money we're saving from Rob's extra shifts all got pissed away last night, because our refridgerator died. Luckily we have another in the garage, so we didn't lose all our food. Unluckily, we had to replace the one inside. The delivery guys are upstairs right now with Rob.

6. Anya smiles at me.

7. Ally went to a small-town fair thingy with me this weekend. She loved it. She even rode rides that were much too old for her. We ran into a kid from her day care there, and they played a little.

8. Lots of other stuff, but I've got to go see if the guys upstairs need anything before Anya wakes up.

C-ya

piglet
My little piglet is growing like a weed. She's already almost 12 pounds. Wow.

In case you were wondering
You know how all the old cartoons have someone step on a rake, and it comes back and smacks them in the face and everyone laughs - hahaha that's so stupid it's funny?

It really hurts.

You know, just in case you were wondering.

I'm not very nice
I had to tell Ally "No" for the twentieth time the other day, and she instantly teared up and told me I hurt her feelings. She also informed me that i don't tell her no, she tells me no. This prompted me to explain how things work around our house. Meaning the parents are the only ones to make the rules. This was her response.

"(sniffle, sniffle) It's not very nice for you to tell me No. I tell you No. We're not very nice to each other. (sniffle, sniffle)"

1 month
My god, I can't believe a month has gone by already. It seems like a dream almost. Surreal or something. Most of my days pass in a mix of feeding, diapering, bouncing, swaying, shushing, and "Please God, let her go to sleep"-ing, with a little mix of "Wow, she's so precious" thrown in when she's awake and not yelling.

I think her digestive issues (she's screams most of the times she's getting ready to poop. Can't tie it down to something in my diet. Who knows why? Plus, we think she has a tiny bit of reflux. We have to hold her upright a while after she eats.) are settling down. She's spending more time awake and quiet, looking around at things. Mostly the light in the living room. She even "talks" to the baby doll that's in her playpen/bassinet/changing table/etc upstairs.

**Warning: Next paragraph contains some information which you might not agree with. That's okay with me. **

Of course, it helps that I let her sleep on her belly sometimes. yeah, yeah, back to sleep, blah, blah. I can't actually believe all those studies. There is no way to make a control group or to keep the conditions similar enough for it to be a conclusive experiment. Besides, she has excellent head control, and I check her often. She gasps and spits up too much on her back. Listening to her, I am afraid she's going to choke herself.

Wait, she's sleeping. Why am I not in bed? c-ya all later

One step closer to slave labor
Last night I was feeding Anya. Ally was all over me, and I was trying to distract her. There were piles of laundry on the floor waiting to be washed. (For some reason, the washer and dryer at our house are behind closet doors in the kitchen. I hate it. It means there is always laundry in the kitchen/living room - open floor plan - which means I see laundry constantly) Anyway, we started talking about the laundry because she loves to help. I hadn't realized how much she loves to help, though. I told her their was laundry in the washer and dryer, so we couldn't wash any until we got the dry clothes out of the dryer. I'd help her as soon as finished feeding Anya. She went to the doors, opened the closet doors, opened the dryer, and started pulling clothes out. I told her to put them on the couch so I could fold them later.

Wow, I thought, that could be useful.

Then she decided to push a chair over to the washer and open the lid. At this point I tried to dissuade her. I really didn't want to have to run across the room and pull her when she fell into it, you know? She told me there were wet clothes in there, and they needed to get dry. She pulled them out and put them in the dryer. It took her about 10 trips on and off the chair to do it, and she couldn't reach a couple, but she did it.

Maybe I can teach her to scrub the toliets next...

Nicole
Remember when I said her name was going to be Anastasia Corinne?
Ha ha. fooled you. We alwys liked Nicole best, but didn't want to take the chance that she might be called Ana Nicole (as in Smith. stupid stupid woman). At the last minute (ie the Monday night before our Tuesday appointment) Rob and I finally decided that it didn't matter. No one Anya's age will know who the hell Anna Nicole is anyway, and she really isn't that well known anymore anyway.

And of course 2 days later - 2 DAYS - she was back in the news. All over the place, what with the judge's ruling on her husband's money. Crap. Oh well. I still like the name.

pediatrician
I just looked at my recent entries and realized that I'm woefully behind. I've had all these things that I wanted to write down, but just can't find the time. It saddens me.

I do think I should at least make note of the fact that Anya is growing by leaps and bounds, just like Ally did. (There I go comparing again. How do I stop that?) She weighed 9lb 3 oz at her 2 weeks checkup last week (which I completely forgot about until the office called me and asked why I hadn't showed up, and then they had to squeeze me in later) That's almost a whole pound. The Doc only expects the kids to regain their birth weight by then. I can't remember, but I think she lost 9oz or so in the hospital? Anyway, the checkup was right on target.

Did I mention that I got a new pediatrician? I had been complaining about mine. I didn't really like him much. He never seemed to remember us personally, and just wasn't really personable, Although he seemed to be a fine doctor. Really, I just didn't like him much. I was bitching about it to Rob. There is another doc at the office that we saw last year when Ally had her UTI, and I liked him a lot better. I told Rob that I wish we could just have him as Anya's ped. but what with them being in the same office and all, it would be too uncomfortable to switch. So we thought we were stuck with him. About 2 weeks before Anya was born, though we got a letter saying the old guy was quitting. He got cancer or something. So now we get to switch Drs without any of the awkwardness. Just a little guilt for being glad the guy quit. Hey, I didn't ask for him to get cancer: God works in mysterious ways. (Haha. that was a funny)

potty training
I just realized that it's bee FOREVER since I talked about my kids bathroom (or at least what should take place in the bathroom. Here, it kinda happens everywhere) habits. I must rectify that (heh, heh, I said rectify).

Anya hates to be in a dirty diaper. HATES.

Ally doesn't care. She doesn't really want to pee in the potty unless she's in the mood for candy (our reward). Then she's interested. She was running around bare-butt the other day, and she asked for a diaper. Since I just hadn't gotten around to putting one on her yet, I got one out and diapered her. She prompty peed and pooped in it. Now, that to me is just too far. If she knows that much, she is old enough to be figuring out that she needs to use the potty instead. So we've started taking her diaper and pants off her when we get home from day care. She won't let more than a drop or two out without pants on, and will even sit on the potty chair we have in the living room when she's about to go. It seems to be working. She hasn't made any big puddles on the floor at least.

Last night though, she was playing on the floor. All of a sudden, she got this wild look in her eye, and ran toward the potty. A big turd fell on the way. Hey, she tried. That's more than what we've been getting otherwise.

in other non-baby news
Rob has a job interview Monday. At the place I work. For the job I started at. in the same division I started in. Weird. But handy. I made sure that the division manager (who likes me a lot. I was a very hard worker before I started this new job where they never give me anything to do) knows he's my husband. he shoudl get hired in at just a tad more than he's making now, bt he'll have retirement, and regular hours and weekends off, and we can carpool and stuff. He better get the job. I am already planning on it. Yippee.

Of course, then when he gets the job, we're going to be scrambling for day care. We can't get into Ally's daycare until the end of August. Since he works every 3rd day, we figured that through the summer he can stay home the other days with Anya. Ally's going to day care. She loves it there. And we're paying for it anyway, so why not? Then on the days tha the and I work, my mom will help out until I get home. It's only 15 days that he works weekdays between the time I go back to work and end of August. it would be great if he gets hired to start Sept 1st. Cross your fingers for us, cause I highly doubt it's going to work out that way.

worst mother ever*
This new baby screams WAY too much. I love her. Honestly I do. Sometimes I look at her and I think about all the wonderful things that life has in store for her and how I can't wait to see who she'll become. Most of the time though, I look at her and I can't think anything. She's crying too loud. If I manage a coherent thought it's probably something along the lines of "Oh my God, please shut up! Why the hell are you crying this time? I can't listen to this anymore!"

I think part of the reason I can't deal with it is that I'm tired from having to split my time and make sure Ally doesn't feel neglected (which I'm sure she does occasionally anyway). and part is that I've gotten used to being able to understand what is causing the screaming. Ally screams, and I tell her I don't understand screaming voices, so she had better use words in a quiet, inside voice** and (better than half the time) she does.

Anya was screaming the other day and Rob tried to calm her down. Nothing worked and so he came back downstairs without her. I looked at him questioningly and he said "I'm done with the baby" He left her in the playpen upstairs because he couldn't listen anymore. And she stopped crying on her own for a little while.

I'm sure that something I'm eating has been bothering her, because she's had gas pretty bad a couple times. I think it might be dairy of some sort. Ally had trouble when I drank milk. But, I don't know to what extent. Cheese on cheeseburgers doesn't seem to do it, but possibly cream cheese in little rolled up spiral thingys does? But most of her problem is that she is very hard to burp sometimes. Especially at night. She can fall asleep eating, and I can't get her to wake up and burp for anything especially since I'm tired. Half the time I fall asleep trying. Then 1 hour and 30 minutes later, she wakes up screaming. The only way to calm her is to feed her, and I have to calm her instead ofletting her work it out, because I can't spend the night calming Ally down when she gets woken up.

Today was actually a decent day. It seems like all the crying fits were related to food. But. She wasn't on a 2.5 - 3 hour schedule like she usualy sticks to. I couldn't predict when she'd be hungry, so I couldn't get anything done. I was even very late picking Ally up from daycare. It was luckily a beautiful day and the kids were outside playing, so she didn't seem to mind.

Anyone notice the time? 11:30 pm. I should be in bed. I can't go to sleep just yet though. I'm enjoying actually having some quiet time. I have never had that problem. At least I don't have to go to work yet

*not that I believe that or anything. It's just really hard to convince myself that "this too shall pass"

**funny story about that. Ally was getting in trouble the other day and Rob was talking to her in a stern voice. She interupted to tell him to use his quiet inside voice. It was very hard to keep from laughing at that. Rob did very well though.

The evil empire
On the way home from day care today:

Ally: I want a banana.
Me: We don't have any bananas.
A: They have bananas at Walmart!
M: That's right Ally.
A: We need to buy them!

ebay
Holy crap! Last year, I bought Ally some butt-ugly shoes that she absolutely could not live without. They're the Payless ShoeSource knock-off of Crocs. Called Airwalk. She loved them!!!! i actually like them a lot too, because they're plastic and can be washed easily and don't get sand stuck in the sole like tennis shoes. For those of you with kids not yet old enough for sandboxes, beware! sand in the shoes and ground into the socks leads to sand EVERYWHERE. She's outgrowing them, so I looked around for more. They only have goofy Hello Kitty ones and tie-dyed red and white with blue stlyes now though. I wanted pink, purple, or light blue, since that's what color most of her clothes are or even whote. Nobody has them. Internet searches turned up diddly squat. I found a pair of pink ones on ebay, and bid on them. I just got an email saying that they sold for $42.00!!! They are $12.99 in the store. Outrageous

So anyway, if any of you reading happen to see Airwalk plastic clogs (Compel II) on sale somewhere in other colors, let me know. Now I'm going to sleep

absence makes the heart grow fonder?
OK, I've been busy. Do you all know how hard it is to actually sit down at the computer and type while I'm not at work? For one thing, the computer is in our (tiny) bedroom. without a tv. so I can't do it while I'm sitting around doind nothing. If I'm not sitting around doing nothing, I'm doing something. The house needs cleaned and stuff. The baby needs fed and changed and her closet organized. The toddler needs her room cleaned. etc. (She is also currently yelling because she's pretty gassy. hold on a minute. ok I'm back. with Anya, of course. that's always how it works)

but, I feel bad about not posting. Mainly because I started this blog as a way to help me remember all those little things that pass so quickly. not the cracked nipples, and screaming nights - those I remember. But the tiniest little non-important moments that are SO important. Like saying "Is the baby asleep?" to Rob and hearing Ally pipe up and say "I'm right here, Mom" And seeing Anya look around already - she has so much neck control. And telling you all about how Anya's ears were all folded and ruffly, but are already starting to look normal. And what I said to Rob when I first heard Anya cry ("She sounds like a duck" oddly enough, he says I said the same about Ally. I don't remember it. I was realy out of it that first time. What I remember most clearly is smacking myelf in the face, because I couldn't move my arms very well. too much anesthesia.)

Or how different the 2 girls seem to be already. Ally was very awakw and aware when she was born. She looked around for hours it seems. Anya went right to sleep. I don't know if it was the different times of day they were born, or the different circumstances, or different personalities? Probably all of the above. Anya is much nosier. She cries more often. She actually cares when her diaper needs changed. Ally never did (still doesn't) She squeaks and grunts all the time. She will NOT nurse unless it is her idea. I could stick a boob anywhere near Ally's mouth and she'd get all Pavlov's dog-y. Anya closes her mouth and turns away. But if it's her idea, and I'm not right there - she yells.

Besides all that, they're very similar. They look a lot alike. Anya has a little more of Rob in her eyes and forehead, but has the same nose and cheeks and chin as Ally (which is to say, she looks a lot like me too). They have the same hairline, but Anya has a little more hair to start with. Anya does the same baby things that all babies - just like Ally - do.

And I find myself thinking in almost constant comparisons between them. Is that fair? I don't really know how to stop myself. With Ally, I had no point of reference - no possible way to compare. I had my whole attention focused on her. I'm trying not to do that to Anya, but I think it's inevitable.

Oh well. She's asleep, so I'm giong to go take a nap too. She didn't sleep so well last night.