I'm tired of people stopping me to ask stupid questions and things that are none of their business or even compliments. (Not you. I like you!) So I've formulated a couple things that I'd love to be able to say in response to things I hear often. I guess I could say them, but people look at you funny when you are "rude" to complete strangers. I maintain that they are the ones being rude by pissing me off, but not everyone has my enlightened point of view.
Q: "How old is she?" (from checkout ladies - for some reason men don't care)
A.1: "Getting older by the minute..."
A.2: "Older than she was when we got here..."
Q: "She doesn't like her car seat, does she?"
A.1: "No, what she doesn't like is standing in line waiting for you to shut up and finish ringing up my groceries, so we can pay and leave. "
A.2: "Oh... is that what the screaming means?"
Q: "So when are you going to have another baby?"
A.1: "Whenever I feel like puking for 3 months straight, fighting with my husband for 9 months straight, and having my abdomen cut open again"
A.2: "I'm not even keeping this one. I'm shipping her off to an orphanage tomorrow"
A.3: "I just had a miscarriage. Thanks for pouring salt in my wounds" (You know this happens. Why don't poeple just keep their big fat mouths shut occasionally?)
A.4: "Whenever I can find another sperm donor"
Q: "So, are you going to have more kids?"
A: "I can't have kids. I stole these from some lady in Arizona. Shh...don't tell. [big smile]"
Remark: "You don't even look like you just had a baby"
A.1: "Why, because I'm not fat?" (I know it's supposed to be a compliment, but WTF)
A.2: "I didn't. She's adopted. " (You know this happens. Why don't poeple just keep their big fat mouths shut occasionally?)
Q: "How does she sleep?"
A: "with her eyes closed"
Any unsolicitated (That's the key word. Someitmes I do need advice, but I try to ask for it ) offers of advice:
A: "Oh thanks, but I don't need advice, I have a brain/enough already"
So, how about you? What unfriendly things are you thinking while people ask unwelcome questions, or otherwise waste your time? Or is this just me?