The evil empire
On the way home from day care today:

Ally: I want a banana.
Me: We don't have any bananas.
A: They have bananas at Walmart!
M: That's right Ally.
A: We need to buy them!

ebay
Holy crap! Last year, I bought Ally some butt-ugly shoes that she absolutely could not live without. They're the Payless ShoeSource knock-off of Crocs. Called Airwalk. She loved them!!!! i actually like them a lot too, because they're plastic and can be washed easily and don't get sand stuck in the sole like tennis shoes. For those of you with kids not yet old enough for sandboxes, beware! sand in the shoes and ground into the socks leads to sand EVERYWHERE. She's outgrowing them, so I looked around for more. They only have goofy Hello Kitty ones and tie-dyed red and white with blue stlyes now though. I wanted pink, purple, or light blue, since that's what color most of her clothes are or even whote. Nobody has them. Internet searches turned up diddly squat. I found a pair of pink ones on ebay, and bid on them. I just got an email saying that they sold for $42.00!!! They are $12.99 in the store. Outrageous

So anyway, if any of you reading happen to see Airwalk plastic clogs (Compel II) on sale somewhere in other colors, let me know. Now I'm going to sleep

absence makes the heart grow fonder?
OK, I've been busy. Do you all know how hard it is to actually sit down at the computer and type while I'm not at work? For one thing, the computer is in our (tiny) bedroom. without a tv. so I can't do it while I'm sitting around doind nothing. If I'm not sitting around doing nothing, I'm doing something. The house needs cleaned and stuff. The baby needs fed and changed and her closet organized. The toddler needs her room cleaned. etc. (She is also currently yelling because she's pretty gassy. hold on a minute. ok I'm back. with Anya, of course. that's always how it works)

but, I feel bad about not posting. Mainly because I started this blog as a way to help me remember all those little things that pass so quickly. not the cracked nipples, and screaming nights - those I remember. But the tiniest little non-important moments that are SO important. Like saying "Is the baby asleep?" to Rob and hearing Ally pipe up and say "I'm right here, Mom" And seeing Anya look around already - she has so much neck control. And telling you all about how Anya's ears were all folded and ruffly, but are already starting to look normal. And what I said to Rob when I first heard Anya cry ("She sounds like a duck" oddly enough, he says I said the same about Ally. I don't remember it. I was realy out of it that first time. What I remember most clearly is smacking myelf in the face, because I couldn't move my arms very well. too much anesthesia.)

Or how different the 2 girls seem to be already. Ally was very awakw and aware when she was born. She looked around for hours it seems. Anya went right to sleep. I don't know if it was the different times of day they were born, or the different circumstances, or different personalities? Probably all of the above. Anya is much nosier. She cries more often. She actually cares when her diaper needs changed. Ally never did (still doesn't) She squeaks and grunts all the time. She will NOT nurse unless it is her idea. I could stick a boob anywhere near Ally's mouth and she'd get all Pavlov's dog-y. Anya closes her mouth and turns away. But if it's her idea, and I'm not right there - she yells.

Besides all that, they're very similar. They look a lot alike. Anya has a little more of Rob in her eyes and forehead, but has the same nose and cheeks and chin as Ally (which is to say, she looks a lot like me too). They have the same hairline, but Anya has a little more hair to start with. Anya does the same baby things that all babies - just like Ally - do.

And I find myself thinking in almost constant comparisons between them. Is that fair? I don't really know how to stop myself. With Ally, I had no point of reference - no possible way to compare. I had my whole attention focused on her. I'm trying not to do that to Anya, but I think it's inevitable.

Oh well. She's asleep, so I'm giong to go take a nap too. She didn't sleep so well last night.

sisters
I wondered how long it would take. Ally has been doing wonderfully with the new changes around here. The first week while I was at the hospital, she had some issues playing nicely with her friends. She also had some issues with following directions - in that she thought commands were optional. I think part of that was the fact that she'2 2 years old though. She's bound to be testing boundries. We're mostly settled down now. (At least until my MIL leaves)

But, last night I finally heard what I've been waiting for. Ally told us she didn't want a baby sister and she needed to go home. When I told Ally that this was Anya's home, she told me that Anya needed to go to someone else's house. Of course, Ally had a big day yesterday (we went to the zoo) and didn't have a nap (not that we didn't try), so maybe she was just grumpy. I'm sure it won't be the last time we hear Ally wish she didn't have a sister, though. I still think it occasionally about mine. THat's just sisters.

ok, 'fess up
I know it was you. It'll go easier if you just tell me the truth yourself...

No?

Ok, well, I lied. Mom used to use that line when I was a kid to try to wrangle out confessions when she didn't know anything. I guess you all are just too smart for me. I have no idea who's doing it, but if it was you, I'd like you to please stop. I don't enjoy this. In fact, it's kind of mean. You're going to make me cry.

Still not talking, Huh? (Hey, if I can't bluff you into a confession, whys houldn't I try guilt? I'm better at guilt anyway)

Ok, but if any of you see anyone else, I'm expecting you to tattle your ass off. That's it; click right there on that inviting little comments link and let me know who is sneaking into my house at night and applying more tape to my body. I came home from the hospital with the sticky gunk everywhere, and I swear I have removed all of it 8 times, but everyday I find some more. I am positive that it wasn't there yesterday, so it must be one of you making more. It's not funny. I want to be sticky free. Knock it off. Thanks

weight
The doctor's office weighed me at 164 on The 24th. 9 days later, I weigh 142. I think I'm doing pretty well, don't you. Oh, I want to be able to wear my old clothes again!!!

picture album
I made a new picture album. It's got the pictures we took 5 days before Anya came to us. Ally is almost a big sister.

We took Anya to get her pictures taken on Tuesday (1 week old). I'll get them back in about a week. In the meantime, I haven't gotten many downloaded - they're almost all still on my camera, but I put a few in the candid shots album (at the end).

last night
was 1000% better than Friday. Ally slept though the night, only waking up once. Rob dealt with that - she had kicked her covers off and was cold. Anya slept every minute that she wasn't eating (or pooping) which was every 3 hours almost exactly. Except for the last one this morning when she went 4 hours and 15 minutes between feedings. Everyone slept in until 8 or so, and most importantly, I got to sleep to. I was able to get comfortable last night finally.

Wow.

28 things about having a baby that I had forgotten
1. How little a newborn is
2. How their little hands are out of control.
3. How funny it is to see a newborn startle for no reason
4. How you never get to see their feet under the blankets or sleepers
5. How much they hate getting a bath
6. How much they LOVE laying under the warmer
7. How sweet they smell
8. How bad they can smell
9. How hard it is to move after a c-section
10. How much I love my husband
11. How much I hate the hospital
12. How much I love that they'll change and bathe the baby and only bring her back to me if she's hungry in the middle of the night.
13. How much newborns look like like little trolls
14. How sleep deprivation actually feels.
15. How fat my feet get after having an IV run for a couple days
16. How much you sweat after birth
17. How pictures never seem to show how beautiful everything looked at the moment you took the picture
18. How funny a newborn sounds when she cries
19. How excited a newborn is to see a boob
20. How their little hands reach out for nothing and ball up into fists besides their mouths when they eat
21. How many expressions a newborn makes
22. How much fun it is to watch them poop (Is that just me? It cracks me up)
23. How soft their hair is
24. How hard they can suck
25. How sore your nipples are the first week or so of breastfeeding
26. How good a shower feels when you're not sure when you're going to have time for another one
27. How fast you can go from "I am so happy" to "Everyone - get the fuck away from me"
28. How fast the all-encompassing love for this little life that you created can overwhelm you.

later
Later I'll get into all that happy shit (and there's a lot of it. It's been a good week). For now, I'm tired. But, I can't sleep. It's 4:00 am. My 4 day old and my 2 1/2 year old are upstairs watching TV with my MIL. They're been tag-teaming us. I should be using this short opportunity (I can't ever spell this word for some reason. I always have to run spell-check on it. There's something preventing it from being saved in my brain.) I have where they are both not crying to sleep, but can't get comfortable in my non-adjustable bed, and can't manage to close my eyes anyway. So, me and my Haagen-Dazs have come here instead.

So, I felt guilty when I got home, because I really haven't been able to spend much time with Ally this week. I played with Ally while holding Anya, and things went well. Then, Ally didn't want to eat her supper. Not unusual. (BTW Rob's at work. This is his first day back. He won't be home until tomorrow morning.) Grandma bargains with her to try to get her to eat. It works a little. (This is great as a one-time strategy, but as a long-term plan - not-so-much. She's going to be here a few weeks to help out.) Grandpa shows up. He's been at work today, and just came up to see his wife and us for the weekend. I feed Anya. Ally plays with Grandpa - dinner forgotten. I go downstairs to feed Anya in the rocking chair instead. Ally asks to watch Dora. She's been asking this all night. Everytime, I've said "After supper" Darra figures that she's not going to eat supper, so she puts a Dora on. All Ally ate was a piece of bread with peanut butter and jelly. Darra came down to check on me. I told her that Ally could watch Dora IF she ate some more dinner. Darra tells me she already started it. Ally's not going to eat. Who's in charge here? Seems like Ally. I went upstairs and made her eat. It was in front of the TV, but she did finally have some supper. I had to turn Dora off and leave it off until Ally decided to eat. Then, I let her watch as long as she continued to eat.

Darra gave Ally a bath. Then, Ally starts to fight bedtime. Darra just isn't me. Ally thinks she can negotiate with her. I got her ready for bed instead. Ally's bedtime has been eroding this week. Anya starts to get fussy. Darra says she can deal with her and I take Ally to bed. She gets cough syrup and 3 bedtime stories. She tries to convince me to read 4. As I get to the end of 3, Darra can't hold Anya over anymore, and brings her to me, so I tell Ally that I read 3, but Grandma will read her 1 more and then it's time for bed. I go feed Anya. i feel guilty, and go check on Ally. Darra has left her and she's on er way to sleep. I go in to tell her goodnight, and rub her back while still feeding Anya (did I mention I'm breast-feeding?) She goes to sleep. Yay. Anya is asleep. Yay. I go upstairs to take a pain pill, and tell everyone I'm going to sleep. HA!

I lay Anya down in her bassinet. I can't get comfortable. Every way I lay hurts. (did I mention I had a c-section?) Plus, my back hurts from trying not to stand up straight and stretch out my stomach muscles cause - ouch. I get settled good enough, and Anya starts fussing. I bring her in bed with me and try to use a boob to sooth her even though she just ate. She won't settle down and go to bed. finally give up on trying to get comfy in bed, and go up to the couch. Darra is still up. She offers to take Anya so I can go back to sleep. It seems Anya has a upset stomach. She's pooping a lot. very gassy. I lay down again and after 20 minutes or so, get somewhat settled. Ally wakes up. 3 times in a row, I go to her. Then she starts coughing. I bring her to bed with me. She lays down for a while, then starts coughing and gagging. Her throat hurts so much she can't lay down without coughing. We go upstairs. Anya is asleep. Ally is not. I put on a movie for Ally to watch. After a while, Anya wakes up hungry. I feed her. She doesn't want to go back to sleep. that's where we are now. I'm tired. I don't even think I have the strength to examine what's going on here. I was going to say something meaningful about being a mom, or something about asking for help from people and being able to accept it or about how no one ever does things the same as you, but that doesn't mean they're wrong. I just don't have the energy. And, my Haagen-Dzs is melting. I'll talk to you later

here

Anastasia Nicole

April 25th, 2006

8 lbs 4 oz
20.5 in.

Beautiful.

naptime
Yes, I'm still pregnant.

Have I mentioned how much I love working here? Oh. Yeah, I kinda forgot about that. Well, um that's all still true. I don't really enjoy my actual job, but the workspace kicks ass. Where else can you go take a refreshing nap during lunch hour? We have a nurse's office with comfy (oh so comfy) cots, fluffy pillows (equipped with lovely paper germ covers), and total darkness and almost complete silence. I could sleep forever. And, if you're actually sick, you can take a nap up to an hour during your paid work day. I used that, I'm ashamed to say, once or twice during the worst of the morning sickness. Did I mention the silence? Oh, sweet, sweet silence.

running around in my head
This has been running around in my head for the past couple days, so I thought I would share it with you, and maybe it would leave. Your welcome

"We have to go on. There's so much time and so little to do. Stop. Strike that. Reverse it."

"Feed me, Seymore"
Yes, I'm still pregnant.

yesterday, Ally barely ate any breakfast. By the time lunch rolled around, she was getting kinda cranky. I got out some fish sticks, a breakfast bar, applesauce, and a cup of OJ for her. These things she likes. I didn't expect any problems. I was wrong. She decided to thorw a fit. Rob picked her up, and hse just held onto him for a while. She begged and pleaded for something else to eat, but we held firm. She kept pushing the food away from her. Finally, I pushed it all away, and told her that she didn't have to eat any of it. but she wasn't getting anything else to eat either. Then I walked away. After a minute of whining to no one in particular, she asked me to open the package of the breakfast bar for her. I hadn't opened it yet, because sometimes that sets off a fit of it's own, because she didn't want it open / she wanted to do it / somebody close the damn thing back up already! So I did. In about 15 minutes, she had eaten 4 fish sticks, the breakfast bar, half the applesauce, and most of her juice. This is a kid that usually takes 10 minutes to eat a piece of cheese. I was amazed. I won. (and she went back to the table 15 minutes later and ate 2 more fish sticks)

For supper, we weren't that worried, because she'd had one decent sized meal. So we ordered a pizza and cheesy-bread sticks. She actually asked for a bite of the breadstick that I was eating. Then she threw a fit that she had pizza on her plate. So she put it on a paper towel next to her plate for a while. Then... She asked me to feed her.

Now, I just read an article in a magazine about making your children more independent and teaching them to do things for themselves. If you don't start it soon, it might be harder to get them to do things for themselves when they get a little older. It said you should start making the kid help clean up, and stuff when ever they are able. You know, just small tasks here and there. Letting them put their shoes on, letting them wash their hands by themselves, and such. including feed themselves when it's obvious they can. Like pizza. It's obvious that Ally is able to pick up a piece of pizza and put it in her own mouth to bite. She's 2 years and 5 months old. So what did I do?

I picked up that piece of pizza and fed her. She ate with relish. She was happy that I was helping her, and she ate most of a whole piece. She asked me for more bites when she wanted them. Occasionally, I put her pizza down, and ate my own. If she wanted a piece then, she asked, and I told her that I was eating my piece, she'd have to pick it up herself. And you know what? she did. She still asked me for bites later, and I still gave some to her, but it was about 50-50. Experts be damned. I don't care. pizza is a big step. It has sauce on it. If she can start to like sauce, pasta isn't far behind. Whoo-hoo.

Then, she saw a commercial on TV (yes, the TV was on while we were eating. shut up) for cookies, and asked me if she could have some if she ate her pizza. Of course, I told her yes, and she ate some more. We had to go to the store and buy some cookies because I didn't have any, but it was worth it. Mostly because I wanted some too. She even told me I could have 2 - 1 for her baby sister. Mmmm...Chocolate chips.

I'm
Yes, I'm still pregnant.

Did anyone notice that entry last week that was filled with the word I'm? I just fixed it. apparantly, I ran spellCheck and hadn't capitalized the very first "i'm" and so it replaced all the I's with I'm's. stupid spellCheck. This is just another reason that my entries are filled with typos. I can't type, and hate spellCheck.

leaps of logic
Yes, I'm still pregnant.

Ally has gotten able to string together some complicated concepts (for a 2 year old). She knows that when you eat something, you chew it up and it goes down in your belly. Coincidentally, that's where Anya is (in my belly). So anyway, the other day Ally told me that I was eating just like Ally, and the food would go down in my belly and her baby sister could eat too.

That just doesn't sound near as amazing when I put it in writing, but I was floored. That's logical thinking. It's not quite right, but it IS logic. It's abstract thinking. It's impossible to put into words how it made me feel. My little girl is growing up. And thinking for herself.

GOD HELP ME!!!!

Silly willy Ally
Yes, I'm still pregnant.

Ally has a new favorite song/game we play. We singsong "silly willy Ally, silly willy Ally, silly..." together, and then all of a sudden, I switch Ally's name out with someone else's. It cracks her up. Everytime. Sometimes it's the simplest little things...

endgame
Yes, I'm still pregnant.

Til tomorrow that is.

It's very weird having this thing scheduled (thing being the surgery, not the baby). Oh well, que sera or something.

Okay, so things are starting to get busy. I'm at work today for the last day. Everyone seems surprised to see me. I guess they just don't realize that I'm only 39 weeks right now. It's not like I was actually due tomorrow. I'm still a week early. I get off work at 3:30. I usually go pick Ally up 5 minutes away and go home after work (or after waiting for her to get tired of playing for a while and running away from me when I try to pick her up). Today though, my OB wanted to see me one more time before the surgery tomorrow. So, I have an appointment at 4:10. What the hell am I supposed to do with 40 minutes? It's not enough time to do anything.

Rob's grandparents (AKA The Grandparents - there are more than one set of grandparents around, but "The" has always designated Rob's dad's parents for some reason) are coming to visit today and leaving tomorrow. I guess they want to visit more with the family (meaning me, I guess) than see Ally and the baby, because I'm probably going to be out of it tomorrow, and Ally will be in day care until after they are planning on leaving. They say they don't want to give the baby any germs. They'll watch her through the nursery glass and go home. They'll see her in a couple weeks at Rob's graduation. They'll be up around 3 or 4 I think.

Rob's mom said mid-afternoon. Don't know when that is. Don't know how long she's staying, but she's going to stick around and help me after the surgery probably a couple weeks. She'll take Ally to day care tomorrow, and then come over to the hospital and probably get there about the time they're wheeling me back.

So anyway, I'll probably get home around 5 and Rob has to leave for class at 5:30. He can't skip it, because he has a group presentation to give. (Yuck. Why do teachers make you do that? You always get some slacker in the group that won't do anything, and ... well, I could go on here, but I'll spare you the rant) Anyway, It's busy, busy here.

The Grandparents are staying in a hotel, and Darra's staying in her room at our house. This room will soon be the baby's room - after she leaves, but for now it's "Grandma's room" with a lot of baby stuff in it. The baby will sleep in a bassinet in our room to start.

Rob's dad, my dad, and my mom will make guest appearances sometime during the day tomorrow, but I'm not sure of the timing on any of that. It's going to be tiring. But a good tiring, I think.

I'm staying in the hospital until they kick me out, which will probably be Friday. (Rob has to work Friday, which sucks) It's the last place I'm likely to get any rest. EVER. But, it does get boring in there, so if anybody wants to visit, I'm encouraging it.

of course, as soon as I can find an internet connection, or make someone else do it, I'll post pictures of the newest member of the family. That goes without saying. (Although, I just said it. I've always wondered about that phrase. When exactly does it ever get used without someone having said what goes without saying?)

I have absolutely nothing to do at work today, except sit here and think about how hectic and busy it will be when I leave. That sucks.

Oh, and I still have to pack for the hospital tonight. Here's my list:

underwear
socks
contact stuff
camera and extra memory card and batteries
software for downloading onto husband's computer
hairbrush
toothbrush / paste
clothes for Anya to get pictures in
car seat
cell phone

Anything I'm missing? Keep in mind that I live 15 minutes from the hospital and can send anyone home to get anything I need. And that the hospital will do the laundry if I wear their clothes.

the Doctor's office
Yes, I'm still pregnant.

No, I can't remember what I wanted to say earlier.

My doctor's office called and left a message with Rob last week. It seems that the Strep B test came back positive. Now, for those of you who haven't been exposed to this little test, it basically measuers the levels of a very common bacteria found in the "birth canal" (haha, that sounds funny just writing it. Yeah, yeah I'm 8 years old) If they are found to be above a certain level, they give you antibiotics in the hospital when you go into labor because the baby could get infected on the way out, and they want the antibiotic in her bloodstream. Mine was negative last time, and I got asked about it upwards of five hundred times while in labor. It got old. anyway, back to the story... They told Rob it was positive, and he was all "Yeah, so what?" And they start telling him all the complications possible, and all the precautions they would take when I go into labor, and all that crap. So he tells them that I have a c-section scheduled. Didn't phase them, they're still talking about how the baby can get infected coming out. Rob repeats himself. He said he could almost hear the light bulb over the nurses head lighting up. Ok. Baby NOT coming near the birth canal this time. Check. Thanks anyway.

I realize they have to test, and let me know the results just in case, but this is my OB/GYN office. They have my chart, and have been seeing me regularly for 7-8 months now. You'd think they would have at least looked in the chart before calling.

oh the irony
Yes, I'm still pregnant

Every year, I have to take an ethics refresher quiz on the internet. (Maybe the state is just being extra vigilant, but after the way the last governor's criminal trial went, can you blame them?) I got an email the other day informing me that this year's mandatory training would be available April 26th through June 1. It is hosted on the internet, and my co-worker suggested to me that I could do it while on leave and cause less problems. But, "oh no", I said, "wouldn't that be un-ethical for the state to require me to complete it while I was on leave? hee, hee, ha, ha" So I went in to my personel officer person, and asked. Turns out that it would, so they set it up for me to take today. What a waste of time. But, I guess since I do nothing but waste time all day, it was not detracting from that much. I did learn that it is un-ethical to use my computer for the internet blog reading I do all day. Damn. You can see how much I care.