The first time was pregnant, I was absolutely obsessed with my baby. I still am. I'm not really obsessed with this one though. I've been there before. I've thumbed through all The books that I read The first time, and find myself thinking "What The fuck?" These are The books that I consulted for everything. I read and re-read them, and made notes and remembered what week The baby got hair, and fingernails, and so and and so forth. Most of what they tell you is useless if you have a "normal" pregnancy with no complications. Why does it matter when The baby gets eyelashes? They'll be there at 40 weeks, right? Anyway, here are some of MY observations about being pregnant that The books really don't tell you about enough.
1. Heartburn is not just a minor inconvenience. Sometimes it's going to feel as if you're trying to digest your tonsils. Your husband isn't going to understand. The phrase "It's just heartburn" might be mentioned. If so, The best thing to do is NOT to follow your first impulse and pour acid down his throat, but instead to smile sweetly and tell him to "Fuck off" and have some heartburn medicine washed down with a glass of milk. Milk helps. And if, your happen to go into labor while you still have heartburn, whatever you do, don't let him convince you not to take anything because you're in labor. Labor doesn't make The heartburn any better.
2. The baby doesn't understand that sometimes, you need your lungs to breathe with. So instead of waiting for her to figure it out and move on her own, push, prod, jiggle, and poke her out of The way. She's just a fetus. She doesn't know that if you don't get enough oxygen, she won't either. No matter what your husband says, she won't hold this against you. She doesn't care if you poke your belly and make her move. What better way has she got to spend The day? Jump up and down for that matter. Wake her up. God knows she'll be rudely waking you up
3. Leg cramps suck ass. Eat lots of bananas. Even if your baby doesn't like them. The baby isn't going to like a lot of things in The future, but right now, she doesn't have much chance of screaming at you, so eat away.
4. Before you start to get a big belly, sleep on your stomach as much as possible. You don't know how much you miss it until it's impossible to do. It's going to be a long time until you're able to do it again, especially if you have a c-section.
5. Ditto for sex. Well, not exactly ditto - don't sleep through it on your stomach, but some positions get, um... tricky after a while. Make The most of it before this happens.
6. Be as lazy as possible. You've got years of headaches coming up. Rest now. You'll need it.
7. Try not to get a headache, cause ibuprofen is verboten and Tylenol sucks ass.
8. There is no "good time" to be pregnant. People that tell you they got pregnant "in May so that they wouldn't have to be huge during The summer" or "in September, so I could be home for maternity leave during The summer" etc are asses. Tell them to "Fuck off" unless they are congratulating you on your great planning or something. Then feel free to take credit. But, rest assured, at some point, your pregnancy is going to suck. It's all worth it, and that can make you feel a little better, but it's still going to suck. No matter what season.
9. Feel free to tell anyone and everyone around you to "Fuck off" it's your best chance ever to be cantankerous and blame The hormones. If someone pisses you off, you don't have to take it - You're pregnant.
10. Stay in The hospital as long as possible after giving birth. It may be boring, but it's not real life. You need a rest before starting "real life". For god sakes you just had a baby! See if you can stay a month.
P.S. Part 2 will be coming next week. There are a lot of good things about being pregnant that no one mentions too.
(I remembered
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Posted by ktjrdn
at 15:31 CST